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Dean's Blue FeatherHere and Now |
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Finished over last months
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July 04 An Evening on the RiverThe month of July started well. I managed a few hours of fishing/reflecting on the Big Thompson river. The afternoon had threatened showers and thunder, but they had moved away from the foothills. I got to the canyon around 5:30. A breeze kicked up and light rain showers dotted the pavement. I drove past the first section and then realized the water was down than from two weeks ago. I wheeled the car around and pulled off into the gravel. Grearing up I knew good things would be coming my way. I fished the lower section for about 70 minutes and caught about a half-dozen fish or so. Nothing spectacular, but I could see that the river is beginning to return to its former self. The lower flows have brought about 65% of the river back into "fishable" status. Like a letter from a son or daughter that says they will be home soon, the river has shown me that the coming weeks will be filled with the joyous feelings that only a homecoming can provide.
I exited the river and drove upstream about 1/2 mile and began the second session for the evening. The showers had quit and the fish were ready to play. Over the next 2 hours I found several trout, with one beautiful 13 inch rainbow offering its energy to play. The fading light began to push my pace a bit faster as I hoped to fish a stretch of water that allows me to stand mid-stream and fish both shorelines and the pocket water inbetween. On my way I slipped as I climbed out of the river and crashed down on my sore shoulder. But for every down there is an up as I landed hard on the rock there was also a very fragrant bush that not only padded my fall a bit, but left a wonderful scent to distract me from the pain in my shoulder.
The twilight advanced along with my trek upstream. I had switched to a dry fly and a single unweighted midge to finish the evening. I had several fish swirl and strike at my offerings and I landed a few more over the last 20 minutes. After landing one particularly fiesty trout, I released him back to the water and noticed how tangled the two flies had become. There wasn't enough light left for me to see well enough to undo the damage. So I picked a flat rock along the shore and rested for a bit. The river was moving along, as always, complete in itself from start to finish, changing and perfect. I noticed areas where years of gentle work had carved a path over the rock shoreline. Overhead the bats had come out to feed, enjoying the bugs that had tried to escaped their fate from the trout by flying higher. The breeze was gentle and the sound of the moving water soothed my soul. Everything has a place to be, at just the right time, here and now. This was mine, and I smiled, knowing my place along the river will be here, and that the river will welcome my soul, carrying it towards its next destination to another homecoming...and more smiles along the way.... June 30 Back To CenterSlowly drifting back to center starting maybe three weeks ago. A few hours on the Arkansas River fly fishing. Even though the water was very high and fast, I managed to find a couple trout along the shore. Just wading in the cool water brought some stray thoughts home again. And then just last weekend a return to the Big Thompson centered my soul a bit more. The morning in the water exposed some moments to that made complete sense to me. Facing the truth is not the same as facing your own mortality. The truth is here and now, and then its up to me to decide how to act.
A few nights later the center returned even more. Sitting in the hot tub I catch the reflection of a street lamp in two rain drops which have refused to fall from the leaves of the butterfly bush. Like stationary fireflies, they shine in the dark. Within 20 minutes the skies have cleared and the stars have returned in stellar glory that only they know. A final notice that I am coming back to somewhere known and new was the field goal I kicked in our game on Saturday. The moment was decidedly calming and exciting at the same time.
Returning to center brings me back to something familiar and also somewhere new. Like the river that is always there, complete in its moment and always changing, my center welcomes me home, waiting without expectation, teaching without trying, revealing itself so that I may learn of what I may become...and showing me that it only takes a smile...
June 18 A Ship Adrift Without Being LostFor many days, probably weeks I have been treading water, staying focused on where I am, keeping my head above water, never in fear of drowning, but feeling as if I may not reach the shore. I have allowed too many external activities to take the place of my internal self. Being busy is just that, being busy. Awareness has not left me, but I feel that I have let awareness wander away from my center. The football path I am on has played a major factor in my present placement. Taking a lot of time and energy, along with the injuries involved has served to draw my attention to different areas of my body needing healing. And in that focus I have vacated the awareness of the total self, my complete soul that needs the enrichment of peace and detachment. A journey started with complete attention and become a pathway of futility. Session after session I train, only to sit for all but one kick off. I am learning patience, I am learning to view things from another perspective, I am battling complacency. A quick email from a friend with a book recommendation began a slow reprieve back towards center. I have actually picked up this book in the past, but had not purchased it. Today I stopped by Anthology Book Store and flipped through a few titles, and decided to follow my friends advice. Just doing that seemed to be a move in a positive direction. I will put my current read on the shelf for a bit and explore this new title. A change in plans tonight kept me from attending football practice and I feel as if that too, was a good move. Though I do not want to skip training with the team, a chance to work out on my own, as I have in the past may be just what I need to refocus on my efforts, instead of some of the frustrations of the team training. As I stepped outside tonight prior to coming in to work I looked up at the night sky. The storm clouds has passed and the stars were in full view. A single cricket chirped loudly and the only other sound was a small water fountain in the neighbors yard. A returning sense of peace was felt and I knew that recovery was on its way. A deep breathe and a moments quiet was all I needed to know that I will reclaim that which I have misplaced. I look forward to returning to the canyon and rekindling my affair with the river soon. It is time...and I smile... June 08 Awareness in the momentEach day calls, offering its blessings to us in many ways. What determines if it is a day of progress or a day of stagnation? Most likely that is determined by the amount of awareness we place in the moment at hand. When we move through the day without awareness we operate on autopilot. What we call our daily routine is really nothing more than a lack of awareness. Same actions, different day prevents us from moving forward. Lately I have been missing many moments, at times because I have been absorbed in other moments, and yet not necessarily aware in those moments. I have not been able to really enjoy, reflect, learn or grow in a satisfied manner due to the obstructions in my life/body. As soon as one seems to begin to clear away something else pops into it's place. A couple of days ago I was able to spend some time fly fishing the Arkansas River. Its been over 6 weeks since I've fished, and although it was my first time on this particular river, and the river was running high and fast, just to return to the peace of the waters helped put things into perspective. Lately we've also experienced a lot of rain and that too brings clarity and cleansing. And yet it is still my efforts that are required to continue along my path. I now there is nothing more important than this very moment, and when it passes it shall be gone, but the learning it offers is still available in the newest moment, which is now the most important moment in my life. And so on I move. I do not grieve for the moments since passed. They will continue to circulate in the web that is the universe and are there to be brought back into our awareness when we choose to do so. Missing moments, catching moments, it is always the moment to smile... May 22 Moments As Moments Should BeDays go by, full of moments that we notice, or we don't. These moments are there for us as we've brought them to our attention. However we often miss the gifts that these moments bring. Though nothing is really lost if we miss their gifts, we also gain nothing in return. The moments don't care, they are here with us now, and then they are gone. Awareness in each moment is needed to receive their gifts, which allows us to choose what to do with them.
A few days ago I posted a short note in my words. The phrase came together as I was just thinking one day. I don't really recall now what was going on, but "I am...you are...together we can" put themselves in my mind. I liked what they said so I posted them here. A day or so later I was cruising on Facebook and filled out the "what jimmy buffet song are you" and then thought it would be a nice change of musical momentum to pull out the greatest hits cd we have and listen again. Yesterday I was driving up north through Ft. Collins. One of my favorites on the cd "A Pirate Looks at Forty" and just as it starts playing I look left and there is a life-sized Captain Morgan Pirate statue/display figure sitting on the driveway of a home.
A week or two ago I started reading the book "Playing the Great Game of Golf: Making Every Minute Count". I had sorted through my bookshelf to make some room and found this one. I began reading in hopes that I could transition the wisdom it contained to my place kicking efforts. And that I have been able to do. But I've also found that if the book were titled "Playing the Great Game of Life: Making Every Minute Count", then the ideas and wisdom contained would be just as applicable. Making every minute count is what life is about. As I've continued on in this book I've reflected on all the years and hundreds of rounds of golf I've played. Many good, many not so good. Some based in competition, some based on socialization, some based on solitude. Before I began fly fishing I would often find the same peace of mind out on the golf course. Late evening rounds played in solitude, the trees, grass, birds, ponds, sand and breeze as my playing companions.
Just after passing the pirate statue I drove by the City Nine golf course. It is now lush and green, surrounded by trees. The gray day invoked a mystical view onto the fairways and I saw again the peacefulness that I had experienced in the past. It may be time again to rediscover the simple joy of walking amongst the grass and trees.
After completing my errand, I stopped at the bookstore to look for a couple of titles. Instead I found "Soul Wisdom" and opened to the first page to see what it held. In brief here is what it said:
"I serve humanity and the universe unconditionally.
You serve humanity and the universe unconditionally.
Together, we serve humanity and all souls in the universe unconditionally."
And...
"I have the power to heal myself.
You have the power to heal yourself.
Together, we have the power to heal the world."
Having posted the "I am...you are...Together we can..." just a few days prior, it seems maybe I have "found" the words which may fill in the blanks of my thoughts. Of course I purchased the book and will see what gifts it may bear. The moments continue and if I am aware I shall receive their gifts, and in awareness of them I will smile...
May 16 Found WordsI came across the following words, written by Federick Buechner, in "Telling the Truth". They are in a book I've recently finished.
"You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world, but a world lives in you."
For many years I lived in a world, often shared by countless others. It seemed that was the thing to do. People came and went, but very few left an imprint on my heart and soul. And after many years, and much learning, the time came in which I found a world living in me. And now, all who come in are welcome, and all who leave are welcome just the same. Each one brings a gift, sometime known, sometimes hidden. Discovering the gift finds a friend. Sharing these gifts grows the world that lives within.
Every day, every moment is another opportunity to expand that world. We are each "making up a true story" as we move through each moment. All possibilities are available to us, and in our choosings we create the truths in our lives. And in living these truths we reveal all that we are. We are real in each moment, and even if we choose to live the next moment "as a lie", that is the truth that we create. Being true to ourselves is our highest nature, and in doing so we create the self-love that is necessary to freely love those around us. And loving those around us, without restriction and without judgment leaves us free to smile at our world within. May 12 Crossever Entry--One From FootballThe following is taken from my place kicking blog, written three days after spraining the ankle of my kicking foot at training. It is a good fit for these pages as well...
Three days after injury I’ve begun to see improvement in the condition of my ankle. Some bruising is evident and there is some swelling around the whole of the ankle (interior and exterior), but the pain is subsiding and some stability has returned. I know I am 8-10 days away from kicking, maybe longer. It’s 17 days until league game one and I am confident I will be ready for action. My first reaction to the injury was, of course, disbelief and disappointment. On the way home that changed to frustration and anger, and then frustration again. There was no easy way for me to understand why this happened. Only with understanding would acceptance be possible, and acceptance is necessary to allow healing and recovery. Sunday was just working at getting around, keeping off of it as much as possible, elevation, ice and ibuprofen. Monday brought the beginning of the understanding process. Though we often search for the "whys" in life, it is more important to learn the "hows". Learning the hows brings understanding and growth, essential to moving forward in any endeavor. I began to remember a couple of quotes from the book: "The Warrior Athlete: Body, Mind & Spirit" by Dan Millman. Monday I got the book off the shelf, Tuesday I found the quotes. The first found in Chapter 3; A Key to Success is: "Any obstructions you have ever encountered or may someday encounter are a direct result of insufficient or improper preparation." The second, found in Chapter 6; Physical Talent-Building the Foundation, speaking to athletic injuries and how to avoid them reads: "Injury is always the result of a fundamental weakness in a mental, emotional, or physical area of talent (or a combination of these)." As each day progressed I realized that it would come back to these statements (for me at least). Looking back on the day there were some items which fit these statements, and in remembering those, I am able to better understand the "hows" of this injury. There are no "whys" to figure out. The injury happened because it did. Of the infinite possibilities that existed that day (and every moment leading up to that step), I choose the path, I made the decisions that brought about the resulting injury. There is no one to blame not even myself. Blame only deflects the chance for learning and serves no purpose. And so on I go. Each day brings improvement. I still look forward to opening day and being on the field, strong and ready to go. I will need to continue to work at being in the moment with total awareness to enhance the greatest chance for success. This journey is about a game, a game to be played that offers a chance to develop parts of my human spirit in its unique way. Let the journey continue… May 02 A Moody River to Play WithIt was a week ago that I took the morning to head back up the Thompson Canyon to fish the "Big T". After the recent snowstorms and rain, and checking the water flows, I knew the river would be coming up some. I stayed low in the canyon and observed that the water was indeed up quite a bit from two weeks prior. It was a bit murky but still "fishable". I just needed to take a different approach to the day. I netted the first trout about 5 minutes in, and brought in another about 10 minutes after that. Not a bad beginning to the day. It took a while longer to find the next fish. Some spots were just to fast to fish, and far-sided banks and pockets were tough to make a good presentation with my limited skill set.
The sun was out and the day was bountiful. I was fortunate to land 9 fish total, along with missing/losing a few others. I am sure the waters will continue to rise over the coming weeks. It is spring, time for all things to refresh and come alive. The river, though moody today, is just beginning the cleansing process, scouring silt and limbs that have collected over the winter. She will continue to increase the strength of her flows and that will keep me off the banks for a few more weeks. However, when she settles back down I know she will welcome me back, and old friends, meeting again, will smile warmly..... April 26 Hot Tub Moments in RealityI found a chance to stop and just be where I was and let the surrounding stuff go. Odd as it may be, I found, again, sanctuary in the hot tub in our back yard. It was late morning, the days rain was steady and the wind had finally died down. The enveloping warmth was welcoming and after awhile I settled into the lounge chair side of the tub. I turned down the power of the jets so they didn't push me off the seat and I could semi float/stay put without holding on to anything too tight. I was in the water up to my chin and just my face and upper head was above the waterline. As I settled in I closed my eyes and just listened. A few birds were bantering about, but even they seemed to take notice and melded into the silence. I relaxed and allowed my mind to wander a bit and then brought myself back to now, not really caring about the where, or at least not taking absolute notice. Slowly I came to attention of the raindrops landing on my face. Each one was discernable, a small one on my cheek, a bigger one on my nose that "bounced" to my lips. Some heavy, some light, each one finding its place. It was simply a time of "open-ness", and of being relaxed and attentive to what was available.
A few days later I was enjoying more time soaking in the warm water. I was seated with my head tilted back, eyes closed, just chillin'. Without thinking about why or when I opened my eyes and observed a flight of birds moving across the sky. Seven birds formed a perfect "V" formation and one solo bird was flying about 30 yards north of the "V", and in the same direction and speed. My first thought was that if I were in that flight, I would be the bird off to north, following the course of the "V", but doing so on my own, in my own way. I cannot explain why this happened, but have reflected on why my decision was made to see myself as the "outward" bound bird. I have subsequently posted this scenario and question on facebook to my contacts. Given this same flight formation, which bird would you be? And why do you think so? It has been an interesting review. My own thoughts and reflections have moved me towards some understanding and some smiles.... April 25 Dreams and OthersDreams are what we make of them, they can tell us a lot or just be an escape from our daily reality. Personally I enjoy my dream time and usually have pretty good recall (in color, or course). The other night I was dreaming that I was moving over a familiar (in the dream) stretch of beach and ocean. As I continued the entire seascape became larger and larger, well beyond what I was familiar with. Suddenly I entered the water and was rushed along in the current, moving towards shore, than away, than parallel. Inside though I was not panicked, for I knew if I trusted where the current was taking me I would be okay, and that is what happened. The very next day I was reading and in a description of 'paramita training' was the following paragraph: "This is the picture I prefer: In the middle of the river, with the shoreline out of view, the raft begins to disintegrate. We find ourselves with absolutely nothing to hold on to. From our conventional point of standpoint, this is scary and dangerous. However, one small shift of perspective will tell us that having nothing to hold on to is liberating. We could have faith that we won't drown. Holding on to nothing means we can relax with this fluid, dynamic world". And so it goes, one moment into the next. We should never hold something so tightly in our grasp that we choke it off from it's own growth, but hold it gently forever in our hearts, and let it be free to grow in its own time, allowing us to have more to enjoy in return. |
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